This year has been a year of grief for me personally. So many very big life things have happened that I can hardly believe I’ve survived to tell about it (or not yet, but hopefully someday).
I had a difficult childhood! And have lived through cancer! (Those are some of my unhelpful thoughts about why this hard year should’ve been easier for me to get through).
I am nowhere near through it yet.
And for a while (ahem, months), I wanted things to change and shift immediately. Like tomorrow, please – for the love of god.
But lately, as I reflect on hardship (personal – I am not even considering worldwide hardship in this piece of writing), I heard a little whisper from deep inside —
A lot can change in a year.
(Or six months, or three months).
That is what I’m holding onto right now – a lot can change in a year.
Especially when I hold things lightly and approach difficulty with humility and open hands. Willing to learn what I am meant to. And accepting that suffering is very much a part of being alive as a human. There is no avoiding it – it catches up to you eventually.
Finally, after months of arguing with the reality of things, I am feeling glimmers of gratitude – for being alive (even when it includes deep suffering). For a handful of people who know just about everything about me, and love me for it. For health, something that if you have it, should never ever be taken for granted. And for all the current unknowns.
The human part of me really, really (REALLY) wants answers. Right now (please and thank you).
But the more eternal part of me is becoming wise to the fact that being in in-betweens is part of the magic of being alive. It feels both tragic AND has moments of ecstasy.
And I think that’s the point.
If you too have had a challenging year you wouldn’t wish upon anyone, I see you. I’m in it too. You are doing it. Look up once in a while and try to see what’s happening, and maybe why. What is it forcing you to do/learn/grow/reorganize? And maybe it just sucks, and isn’t fair – that happens too – if that’s the case — you’ve got what it takes to do this.